I don't even know what I would write if I could. Wearing your heart on your sleeve only makes you a victim unfortunately.

I want to fix things.
I want things to make sense.
I want her to be able to erase all the memories she had.
I want her to get what she deserves.
I want to rage out like a mother fucker.

 

I do know, however, it's time to give out some apologies and I'm sorry.

This isn't can't be true.  Please?

This is one of those times I don't want to be right.

I'd rather feel guilt about things than upset by them.
But I feel like most of my guilt isnt from doing wrong, its just from avoiding what I should be doing.
...because if I do, I will be upset.

1) I had a dream about you the other night. unfortunately, It wasn't a good one. I told you something that I did. or was doing, and you didnt like it. You were pretty disappointed in me. I felt pretty bad. It was different. It wasnt your usual way of handling things. It was like those 'how stupid can you be' talks.

I don't want to mention yet. Manatee will tell you.

2) FAA keeps coming back into the picture. Whether its my group doing things with him there, or going to band everyday and hearing comments about him and me. I should forgive him. My reason is stupid. For some reason, I can't. I still can't sleep very well because of it, and letting myself get so carried away was a bad choice.

I want to stop caring, so badly. I won't let myself.

3) I know I shouldn't and I've questioned it already, but i still feel guilty of being manipulative towards Chris. I haven't done anything wrong, nor have you, but i still feel guilty for something just because she doesn't like it. Some of my friends don't like it. Chris doesn't like it.
I would never have gone to you in the game. and even though it is just a game, she wouldnt like it. In honesty, if you had come up to me, i wouldnt have played along. I would drop myself from the game because i dont wanna be apart of that. it would make me feel worse.
Is it bad that im kinda happy that you havent hugged me yet? "i've hugged everyone under the sun except for you. i've tried a few times, but could never go through with it." You mentioned that the day after I realized it. ( i thought that was funny.) You are afraid of me? why? my people are intimidated by my mind games. but, yours are better. I dont see what there is to be afraid of. anyway. you've only touched me twice, and you stopped yourself after both. it makes me feel better being able to say 'i havent even ever hugged him' or better: touched.
One more thing. I guess i shouldnt talk to you until 6 in the morning....

I'll stop on that. There is a bunch more I can ramble about. I feel guilty for nothing around you. Its all because of others opinions though.

4)Last night was the worse though. I dont know how to explain all of it. but this is mostly for one person, so i'll skip the back story. Before I was asked to the movies I was suppose to get lunch with the Manatee. We didnt have time before band, so it was a raincheck kinda thing. after band he was going to give me a ride home. and he kept mentioning that he was hungry. (i hadnt eaten all day so I was also hungry. i just didnt say anything.)
...I was also invited to a movie at 9 with my group of friends who I havent been able to hang out with in a long time....
it was already 8:30 by the time i was able to leave the school, and I wasnt about to go to the movies in shorts, i would freeze. by the time i would have made it home to change and to the movies, it would have already started and I dont know how far into the movie they would already be.

"if you're so hungry, let's get food then."

we stopped by the bank to deposit his check he had just received. Im trying not to be as nosey as i am with a lot of people. he handed me the check to hold on too, and normally i would open it without thinking. i kept it folded the whole time. I was pretty proud of myself.
...and then the machine started beeping constantly. so i looked over, and there was the amount. =( i was shocked and disappointed at the same time. anyway...
I thought that we would stop by somewhere on the way to my house. it was pretty late already. but he got to pick, and he picked fun tiki. of all places. It didn't help the whole 'babysitting' thing. While i was there I saw patrick, steven(?) and sarah. We sat at the tables most of the time after eating. Then sarah pretty much told us to stop being bums. we went out to play mini golf. and then theres the text. =\
After he wanted to do something.
it was now 11. so we drove around and went to walmart. he was waiting for me to say i wanted to go home. it became a game. and i wasnt going to lose another one. we walked around there until 11:30 i think.
...to town square. we sat there for hours talking. so many topics. he tried even harder to make me sleepy. i knew that i would be the first one to fall asleep even before i took his challenge, but i thought that he would get tired of me before then. 5 in the morning.
...to dennys. he got hungry again. left at 5:45
...and home. at 6:03 AM.

I didnt do anything wrong, right?